sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
