just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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