ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
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it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
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I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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