So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
