Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
