I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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