Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Someone signed my nipple.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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