Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
