I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
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I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
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For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
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