You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
