Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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