Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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