Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
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