Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
