i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize