you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
