Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
