He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Randomize
