Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Randomize
