i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
