You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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