I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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