Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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