you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Randomize
