Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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