Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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