How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
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Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
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I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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