I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
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