Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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