Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
