True but thats because hes a fetus.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
