I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
