My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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