Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
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he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
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i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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