so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Randomize
