i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
