even my farts smell like vagina
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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