So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
