And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
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I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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