i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize
