I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
