My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
