girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
