I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
