I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
