so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
