i would punch a child for taco bell
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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