Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
