Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
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