You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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