Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
