I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Randomize
