During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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